Friday, 12 April 2019

From “Wow, Again!” to “Not Again!”

“Propose me in a way no one, who knows you, would expect from you” – she said. Wow, that’s a tough one but as Barney would say – “Challenge accepted!” I had only managed to say that I liked her a lot and chuckled inside that her wanting a proposal meant ‘Yes’. Now, I just had to think out of my box.

Sandhya, or Sandy was my ex-colleague. She was a chirpy, bubbly girl in my office. Her being the only one my age in the team made us bond easily. We were the little sparrows in the world of friendly hens and harsh cuckoos. We had lunches together and those were quite fun times. The tiffins and views we shared were extremely different. She was frank, rather too outspoken while I was the reserved kind. She prepared well-cooked meal while I would bring half-cooked vegetables (I was still learning at that time) or rather have thali in the canteen. I loved biking all around the city while she liked relaxing at home on the weekends. You would say opposites should have attracted but I was completely absorbed in my own one-sided romance, oblivious from rest of the world.

There is not much value given to the newbies in an organization. One afternoon, she came to my desk and cried. Everyone sitting around was gazing sharply at me. I was feeling awkward with the judgemental eyes staring on me. I took her outside and there were more prying eyes. She kept sobbing and telling the discussion with her manager and I stood there silently listening to her. I wanted to hug her and say everything would be fine, but I did not. Sometimes, I regret that I could not even console her when she needed. After half an hour, she was calm again. The next day, she resigned. For the first time, I felt her presence in my life and realized soon there would be absence. She got a job soon and on her last day in office, I wrote couple of lines for her in my blog – “Jab baat dil me koi nahi”

Soon after, my first one-sided affair became two-sided when both of us started ignoring each other. Couple of months later, I got a friend request from Sandhya on facebook. There was an instant connect with her after this long gap. For a long time, we discussed each other’s life through calls and messages. After a year, we decided to meet. We met for the first-time outside office and spent four hours in that coffee shop. I regret not knowing more about her during our lunches.

After my last heart-ache, I had never thought even in my dreams that my heart would flutter again. Her calls made my heart content and meeting her was a bliss. I always was my own self with her which I might only be with my close friends. I had a very surreal feeling with her, something very magical and different. May be the feeling was mutual as she also loved to hang out with me. May be that is why it felt so real. I might be falling in love all over again. Wow, all over again!

I even wrote a poem, but I did not give her. I had a feeling I was not ready yet -

Unfortunately, I can’t!

Today, I had this thought
Suddenly, just out of the blue
Oh girl, I like you a lot
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you!

Our views and tiffins were so different
I miss those fun times at lunch
It was hard to see, spread your wings
And fly so distant from our bunch.

Nowadays, when we talk
I lose track of the time
You make my heart skip a beat
It’s a feeling so sublime.

I wish to talk to you every day
I have so many things to pour
I want to listen to you endlessly
I want our relationship to soar.

I know some dreams are dreams
The above is just my rant
I wish I could help myself
Unfortunately, I can’t!

Couple of months ago, she was shopping for her cousin’s wedding and one dress she tried made my mouth open, but I did not have words to compliment her. When she asked for the second time how she looked, I broke from my sense of dreaminess and said – “I like you!” Now, her mouth was open, and she had nothing to say. She quietly went back, changed and we came out of the shop. For few minutes, we did not say anything. Then she said let’s talk over lunch. I was relieved that she wanted to talk. We went inside a less populated restaurant and she asked what I just did. Now, I had not planned anything - it was on the go, at the spur of the moment. I told her that I had started to have some feelings for her which were blurted out today. She smiled, just a little, for the first time in last half an hour. Then she put the condition to propose in a different way, in a way out of my character. It was my turn to smile, a big one though.

Coming back to the present day, 2 months have passed since she asked for the proposal and nothing has clicked in my rusty, little brain. All the proposal ideas on youtube or the Korean movies I watch are not proving of any help either. She had put a condition that she would only meet me on the day I was ready to propose. The number of calls and messages we shared have declined too. Yesterday was her birthday and she did not meet me. She has not picked up any of my calls from today morning. Feels like Déjà vu all over again! Oh please, not again!!!

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